I always believe everything happens in 3s.. and so it went.. Brexit in June 2016, Trump in November 2016, Colin passing in April 2017. My happy, contented world of the last 17 years was shifting on its axis, not just with the political stuff going on, but mainly because I had lost my best friend and partner and I knew, yet could not accept, that life would never be the same again.
And it continued to tilt as complicated grief and rage followed, then the depression and anxiety hit and, finally, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia April 2019, due in part to the emotional stress engulfing me, from what I can only describe as a tumultuous two years following Colin's death.
In the most bizarre fashion - and certainly not predicted - my writing and publishing journey which began in April 2011 has come full circle. When I was writing Little Child (which kicked off my website and then morphed into the blog and my whole publishing journey started from there), I had only partially experienced mental health issues and what I was writing was mostly from observations and research. Now, however, I have a much better understanding of mental health and I have lived experience. I spent two months as an inpatient, perpetually suicidal. I know what it's like to be rushed to hospital from an overdose. I know what it's like to have all the lights go off in your world. I know the depth of that darkness. I know that despairing pain. I know Grief with its multi-layered blows. We fight quite regularly. I know a depression that is constantly tormenting me, like a laughing hyena. I know what it feels like to have the switch flipped in my mind and the recklessness which results. In my previous life, I was bemused at people who took anti depressants and weren't grabbing life and living it to its fullest. Can you hear my hollow laugh? When you are in your bubble of health and happiness with your partner whom you adore and who adores you, mental health is a myth. It's something other people suffer with. I have been on both sides of this coin.
So I will be sharing this part of my story along with my travels because I think it is important to know what shapes us as human beings and how we can draw strength from each other. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy eventually rescued me from my spiral and kickstarted my zest for life again, but I am still coming to terms with recovery being a journey and not a destination, and maintaining my mental health is a continuum. There are no quick fixes.
Although I am in a much, much better place now and I am making (slowly) many huge lifestyle changes.. working with my fantastic doctor and counsellor, my physio, my PT and my yoga instructor to name just a few.. and still meeting new, wonderful people through my volunteering, travels and grief and fibro groups - many of who will be friends for life I'm sure - I take heart from a couple of pieces I have read recently (and there are many more beautiful and inspiring works which I'll be sharing on the blog over the coming months).
The first is from Matt Haig
"Stay alive for the people you will become.
You are more than a bad day or year.
You are a future of multifarious possibility.
You are another self at a point in future time, looking back in gratitude that this lost and former you held on.
You are not just THIS you.
Stay."
The second is a message from the Universe
And it continued to tilt as complicated grief and rage followed, then the depression and anxiety hit and, finally, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia April 2019, due in part to the emotional stress engulfing me, from what I can only describe as a tumultuous two years following Colin's death.
In the most bizarre fashion - and certainly not predicted - my writing and publishing journey which began in April 2011 has come full circle. When I was writing Little Child (which kicked off my website and then morphed into the blog and my whole publishing journey started from there), I had only partially experienced mental health issues and what I was writing was mostly from observations and research. Now, however, I have a much better understanding of mental health and I have lived experience. I spent two months as an inpatient, perpetually suicidal. I know what it's like to be rushed to hospital from an overdose. I know what it's like to have all the lights go off in your world. I know the depth of that darkness. I know that despairing pain. I know Grief with its multi-layered blows. We fight quite regularly. I know a depression that is constantly tormenting me, like a laughing hyena. I know what it feels like to have the switch flipped in my mind and the recklessness which results. In my previous life, I was bemused at people who took anti depressants and weren't grabbing life and living it to its fullest. Can you hear my hollow laugh? When you are in your bubble of health and happiness with your partner whom you adore and who adores you, mental health is a myth. It's something other people suffer with. I have been on both sides of this coin.
So I will be sharing this part of my story along with my travels because I think it is important to know what shapes us as human beings and how we can draw strength from each other. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy eventually rescued me from my spiral and kickstarted my zest for life again, but I am still coming to terms with recovery being a journey and not a destination, and maintaining my mental health is a continuum. There are no quick fixes.
Although I am in a much, much better place now and I am making (slowly) many huge lifestyle changes.. working with my fantastic doctor and counsellor, my physio, my PT and my yoga instructor to name just a few.. and still meeting new, wonderful people through my volunteering, travels and grief and fibro groups - many of who will be friends for life I'm sure - I take heart from a couple of pieces I have read recently (and there are many more beautiful and inspiring works which I'll be sharing on the blog over the coming months).
The first is from Matt Haig
"Stay alive for the people you will become.
You are more than a bad day or year.
You are a future of multifarious possibility.
You are another self at a point in future time, looking back in gratitude that this lost and former you held on.
You are not just THIS you.
Stay."
The second is a message from the Universe