The thing about anxiety is it sucks the joy out of everything - I thought depression was bad! I've got this constant churning in my stomach and my mind and body is on red alert, waiting for something bad to happen. This isn't me. I keep telling myself that there's no need to be anxious. Everything is going ok. I am safe. But still the dread and fear persists.
And the fight or flight mode is not good for managing fibromyalgia either. It's like a double whammy of crapness. I'm getting desperate now, something needs to change. I've requested to up my dose of Sertraline, although I'm worried it's this that's giving me the anxiety. Hamster on a wheel anyone?
I've been working really hard trying to stay in touch with my mind and body to calm the anxiety, but it is one uphill struggle at the moment. Anxiety is ruling my life! It dominates everything I do and every thought I have. Thankfully I'm still sleeping ok. That hasn't deserted me. I've been doing lots of the CALM app sleep meditations to help. I wish I could shake myself out of it. I'm even worrying about my commute and the parking and my walk to the office - and all this before I even start my day at work.
I did manage to take a hike on my weekend off, out in the country away from people. That did me some good. Thinking about something other than the churning in my stomach was a nice change. I thought challenging myself would distract me and it did. I had to focus on getting around the circuit at Old Winchester Hill without tiring too quickly (thanks to fibro). I managed it in just under an hour.
Something needs to change, I know that, whether it's my job or my medication dose. I'm waiting for my doctor to come back off holiday so I can talk to her again.
I went back to work and I'm literally taking it one day at a time. I don't let myself think too far into the future because then the panic sets in. I'm watching Billy Connolly's "Does" series and trying not to be afraid of Life. "We pass this way but once.." The anxiety has left me with this dread, which I'm relieved to report is slowly easing as the new anti depressant gets into my system.
Other than that, not a whole lot else to say this week. I braved my PIP application online in one sitting. It's something I've been thinking about for a while due to fibro and mental illness. We will see how it goes..
Blogging is an amazing concept so here I am giving it a whirl. You'll get words. You'll get pics. Sometimes a vid or two. You'll get tongue in cheek, the odd humble opinion and an honest insight into my travels and writing life. Maybe even a few gems along the way. I'll be musing on home turf as I see more and more of the UK and sharing my experiences further afield on holidays and adventurous trips across the globe.