I'm a day late with this week's blog - I've been in and out of dissociation possibly due to medication or taking on too much and stressing myself out or possibly fibro fatigue and fog. I couldn't really say for certainty which. Bloody frightening though. My immediate reaction is to withdraw, but I've been forcing myself to talk to my GP, care co-ordinator and counsellor to try and piece together what's been happening. I don't have any concrete answers for them.

Sandwiched between this feeling "off", I've been to my mum's to do a few more little jobs whilst she was away with a friend upt north and I even started prepping the big back bedroom, getting it ready for painting.

Today I do finally feel as if I'm making progress mentally. I worked my way through what was quickly escalating into crisis mode yesterday with my counsellor - and when I sit and think about what we achieved without medical intervention, it's massive in a good, positive way! We sat together and she helped me ride out the difficult feelings with gentle grounding, something as simple as some marmite toast and a cup of tea and just talking. I went home and slept for a few hours under my weighted blanket, then called the Safe Haven to talk with someone virtually when I woke and even attempted a guided meditation with CALM afterwards - something I've been struggling with, with so much noise in my head. It was a difficult day, but I made it.

So I should be about to fly to Saudi, well, that was the plan, but my passport only just turned up on Saturday. I had made my peace with the fact I probably was going to have to postpone and decided instead that I would use the extra holiday I took off from yesterday, to finally redecorate the large front bedroom. I had all the big items of furniture picked up and dumped on Thursday, so now I have space to see what's what.

I am thrilled that my donor sperm has safely arrived from Denmark to CARE, but there are still some mental health hoops to jump through.

I am also thrilled that Gold Rush season 12 has begun.

I said to my counsellor on Wednesday last week that I felt "off". Not fibro off, but mentally off. A little in and out of reality, even though things are going great in my life at the moment. I don't know what this means, but I haven't had the best of weeks. I'm sat here trying to write it, yet I can't find the words. I've slept a lot and had a couple of days off work sandwiched between one day in, where I felt really spaced and struggled through the day. Hopefully things will be a bit clearer next week. I don't think I'm unwell again and I'm sure I've been taking the all important meds.

Still no new passport. I'm consoling myself with booking trips for Lisbon and Madeira, which I booked back in May for myself and Mum to have something to look forward to next month. I can't really complain, Saudi always was a bit of a last minute long shot, once I'd realised the situation with my passport! Can't believe it's been a year since I got on a plane to fly to Venice with Mum. Madness for us travellers!

Such a relief to have some positive, albeit slow going, travel news from the Government last Friday. Means one less test Mum and I will have to take before coming back to the UK and I have been booking some super trips for clients. Fab news when Canada opened up on the 6th. I love putting together Canada itineraries.

Another thing I'd let slip was the renewal of my European Health Insurance Card (EHIC). Because of Brexit, I thought it was no longer applicable, but there's a new version called Global Health Insurance Card (GHIC). Again, a quick Google search and I've applied for my new card and one for Mum.

I did check my immunisations too - and thankfully they are all up-to-date. Haven't had to think about these things for 18 months or so!

I had a week of furlough Wednesday to Wednesday last week, which was great because it meant I could finally spend some time with Mum and get some of the pressing jobs done for her. It was also good to be able to talk about my fertility journey so far and my worries and concerns about my mental health. Better to prepare for the worse, whilst hoping for the best as my Doctors have said.

And finally, I am very much looking forward to seeing Ricky Gervais in November with his 6th live stand up show "Supernature". This will be the first live event I've seen for about two years. I saw "Humanity" was on Netflix, so I devoured that Sunday evening. I can't believe I avoided Gervais all this time. I am such a massive fan now.

After speaking to the nurse last week, CARE uploaded a lot of information to read through on my patient portal. I skipped through this when maybe I should have taken a little more time with it. I eventually did and that's when stuff started to fall into place. Pre pandemic, I would have sat down with the Donations team at CARE and talked through my preferences and characteristics. Then that info would have been sent to the Embryology team and they would have sourced my donor from their own sperm bank. At the moment, their bank is depleted and there is a six month waiting list to go down this route. Parts of this had been explained to me but never the whole story. Piecing it together finally was also a huge relief. I like to know I have all of the information before making such a big, life changing / life affirming decision. Maybe it's part of the as yet undiagnosed ASD, but I have to have all of the blocks of understanding in place, lined up neatly. For me, this whole process is huge in every respect - cost of treatment, financing of donor sperm, I'm going to be a single parent with fibromyalgia and mental health struggles, whilst still trying to work...

And yes, my therapy session this past week was very busy! My head was exploding and when this happens, I can't talk, so I made this with the stones instead:

I don't often say this, but I'm feeling rather on top of some of my never ending To-Do list - largely thanks to furlough - of which I have more to look forward to before the scheme wraps up at the end of September...

I'm chomping at the bit to get the garden revamped, but I know I have to pace myself. I think I've got all of the materials I need now to lay a pathway from the patio to the shed, but I want to see the summer flowers finish first before I start that job. I did use my new chainsaw to get the rest of the buddlia root out around the pond.

Amongst working and doing the garden, I've binged all four seasons of A Handmaid's Tale. I remember studying this book in school and it sort of made an impact, but oh my god, what a brutal assault on the emotions the tv series gives!

On the travel front, very exciting news - I'm hoping to travel to Saudi Arabia now that the destination is finally opening up to tourism. We had some training on it this last week and I would be stoked to be one of the first UK tourists to see what the country has to offer. Slight hiccup though, my passport needs renewing. I'm kicking myself because I wrote a reminder in my diary back in May to get this sorted and I'm only now just getting to it. That may ruin my plan. Nothing like putting undue pressure on myself.

Also hoping to be discharged from the Community Mental Health team soon and I'm still trying to piece together what happens next with the fertility clinic. I've got a call scheduled for later today with one of the nurses.

So thumbs up, my fallopian tubes are healthy! And I've had all my bloods done now except for checking my progesterone, which has to be done on or around day 21 of my cycle. I am a little confused as to how the process of finding a sperm donor happens here at CARE, as I have been told a couple of different things. I'm anxious to get started so I hope I can clear this up soon. I'm not sure if it's because CARE have recently taken over Nuffield Health at my clinic and they are still setting up the new system, or whether it's because of the pandemic.

I did have my mandatory implications counselling. Like the chat with my doctor, it was a difficult but good hour of frank and open discussion. With CARE, I will have three more counselling sessions per treatment cycle.

Anyway, I've been distracting myself with finally buying a bookcase for my bedroom and arranging for the dresser to be given to charity. I got the bookcase all set up and it's lovely to have all of my books out of their boxes and on the shelves after many, many years! You know how much I love my books.

Furlough ended and it was back to work on Saturday. I quickly got up to speed with the traffic light countries that are good to go and it was like I'd never been away. We've also got colleagues and clients coming back from long awaited holidays now, so it's good to hear their experiences of travelling at the moment and how the testing procedures worked out for them. I'm looking forward to my trip with Mum to Lisbon and Madeira in two months and really hoping we will be able to go. I've held back with booking day trips even though I booked the hotels and flights back in May. It's great that we've both been double jabbed, but at the moment that doesn't really give us any benefit when it comes to the testing. I'm hoping this will improve by the time we travel.

I'm attempting to get some ducks in a row whilst I've got the time to think about and plan these matters. Last week after blogging, I wrote an advance statement and gave a copy to my CPN, therapist and GP. It's not legally binding, but it lays out how I would prefer to be treated and what would happen to the cats and my bills for example if I was to become unwell again. There are no set rules for this statement, but it's an opportunity to express what you want to happen whilst in a rational state of mind. It made me feel good, writing it all down, sort of more in control.

I started taking my folic acid and had a long consultation over the phone with my fertility consultant and nurse. They are fine with me staying on my medication, but asked for a letter from my psychiatrist and GP. I'm going to start with a natural cycle of IUI and see how that goes. I've got lots of tests now booked in with some of them having to be on set days within my cycle and I'm getting there with the organisation. It's a minefield and I can see myself quickly becoming overwhelmed and I'm glad the nurses at CARE are there to to answer my questions and talk me through next steps.

To take my mind off all of this, I've been in the garden digging out more wildflower roots and preparing the soil to put grass seed down for the lawn extension. It's slow going but the first patch of lawn looks really good.

I'm chuffed I've now had my boiler serviced using a local, independent company, after the absolute cafuffle with British Gas this last 10 months. That is one, giant headache sorted.

And I've finally installed a washing line and bought four new fish for the pond! The two red goldfish are Fred and Freda and the two shubunkins (great name!) are Henry and Henrietta. I must protect these little ones from the heron this time.

It's full speed ahead with my fertility journey - and thankfully I've got furlough again for the first two weeks of August! Perfect timing.

I jumped a big fertility / mental health hurdle last Tuesday when I went to see my psychiatrist and CPN to discuss medication. We came to the conclusion that unless my consultant disagrees, I can stay on my current medication at the same doses. This is a massive relief as I hate changing medication and I'm not a fan of being unwell either.

In between working and sleeping and to distract myself from my impatience, I watched Behind Her Eyes on Netflix. Astral Projection is fascinating.

I've never been more pleased to see my period as it needed to be at least Day 2 of my cycle yesterday in order to have my first (of many) ultra sound scans. I also had bloods taken to check my AM hormone levels. Prior to these appointments, my GP phoned and we had a frank discussion about pregnancy and mental health. It was difficult listening for me. No-one wants to be told they are high risk and could harm themselves and/or their baby, so safeguarding will need to be in place. I don't understand what this is and I'm trying not to dwell on it. My GP described it as an extra layer of support. My only concern is to keep myself as well as possible and keep the faith that I can be the best mum despite mental health struggles, fibro and being a single parent.

The excerpt "Expectation" in the photo above touched me deeply. The main character Nora is completely lost and alone and suicidal so she takes an overdose. During that state of unconsciousness and coming back to life again which I know about all too well, she gets a second chance. She gets this wonderful opportunity to visit the midnight library and try out hundreds of versions of how her life could have turned out. It's a brilliant concept, that suspension of time. I'll never get bored of it.

I found the story both beautiful and humbling. Haig writes about the darkest of subjects with such light. I didn't even know that was possible. I only know how to blacken and comedise my bleak experiences and depressed state of mind when I'm telling my own lived stories. It's refreshing and calming to know I am not alone and it's interesting to read about mental health from a male perspective.

Maybe I will try "Reasons To Stay Alive"...