I feel as if I'm in one long battle at the moment, even concentrating on this jigsaw puzzle was difficult. It's been a week of still not feeling 100% physically, going round and round with the pregnancy stuff, fighting to become an informal patient after being promised it would happen a week ago Monday, fighting to get time off the ward unescorted and fighting for some home leave unescorted. Everything is SO SLOW and a real struggle in hospital and I am trying to speed up my discharge. I just get immensely frustrated and when you have to pin down staff to take you to the gym so you can let off steam, well, I've only got so much energy and it tends to manifest quickly into a meltdown or a kicking off session.
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Last night I finally started my new medication Aripiprazole. It is such a relief! It's been a week of frustration, not knowing what's going on, not feeling heard and not finding anyone to talk to about any of this. Last Tuesday I had my ward round and there were so many people in that room, it was completely overwhelming. Apparently I don't have bi-polar, I have internal anxieties. This does not make any sense to me, but whatever. It was great to talk to one of the Independent MH advocates on the ward and lay out my thoughts. The Dr said he would speak to me on Wednesday and never did so I appealed my section that evening. On Thursday I lay in bed all day feeling really defeated and then I planned to escape. Speaking to a solicitor that evening made me feel more in control again. I finally spoke to the Dr on Friday and we made a plan of action - but I have no faith in them. I've agreed to drop my appeal and work towards being an informal patient. I had one hours escorted leave on Saturday and Sunday to make use of and see how I did, but it was difficult enough trying to get someone to take me to the gym, let alone try for the escorted leave. And on top of all that, I've also got a stomach bug. Honestly, Katherine Ryan's funny Lockdown podcast is the only thing getting me through at the moment and the fact I need to get out of here in order to travel with my mum at the end of the month.
Time to try and relax and do an exercise on the CALM app... I've settled onto the Picasso ward here at the Cygnet hospital in Woking. It's been a week. Breakfast at 9am, lunch at 12pm, dinner at 5pm and meds where and when needed after each of those meals - these are the fixed events on the ward. I've done an Amazon shop to get all the essentials delivered so I can start to feel more human. We've had sober karoake, pet therapy, psychology, basketball, stretching and mindfulness to keep us occupied, along with other activities I haven't felt like joining in for. I've been allowed to annotate my care plan which is something that's never happened before but I feel is so important in a patient being able to take back control of their treatment. I've spoken to so many Drs, I've lost count. I don't think it's right we have to go over and over our story. I get tired of it all. I'm still on a detox, still hyper, still angry, still dissociating. I'm trying to work through it. Oh, and it's stormy which always seems to happen when I'm in hospital. The O2 building in London nearly lost its roof!
On my last night at Frimley hospital last Tuesday before I got transferred, my 1-2-1 told me a story that I'll never forget- and this is the thing about hospital, you meet really interesting characters and you realise everyone is going through something - he had to assess a suicidal 75 year old man after he was found going to the tube station everyday to figure out how to kill himself, but my 1-2-1 chap had just lost his own wife of 30 years two months before. Where did he find the strength? I'm waiting for a bed on a psych ward. Yesterday I had my mental health act assessment. I had a lovely HCA as my daytime 1-2-1 and she came in with me to help me advocate for myself. I didn't get a chance to go to hospital voluntarily this time, they decided straight on a Section 2. That was disappointing, especially as I took my Dr's advice earlier on in the morning and didn't throw anything at them! My chats with the psych liaison team have been up and down as usual.
Being on a 5.2 section with the nurses all weekend is definitely better than being on a 136 section with the police, like I had last time. No offence to the police, but a hospital environment feels a lot less scary when your mental health has gone pearshaped. I'm so glad I can wash myself and change my underwear and change into a gown, but trying to eat a roast dinner with two plastic spoons is interesting. My night 1-2-1 lady on Sunday evening was a psych prison guard at Broadmoor for 21 years! I promised her I would try to be on my best behaviour, but I still ended up dissociating and trying to walk out of hospital she told me in the morning. She did say at least I wasn't running as she would have never been able to keep up! I like it when I can laugh about my mental health with people who are there to help and support me. It makes it feel a lot less frightening. I don't want to go back into hospital but I do want to know if I have bi-polar. I hope we can get to the bottom of this. The highs are great but they are definitely not sustainable. I've been flying so so high with work after having my biggest ever sales month. I'm not even needing to take my medication and I feel like I don't have fibromyalgia anymore! I've got all of my appointments set up with the new fertility clinic, so it's full steam ahead again and preparations continue on the spare bedroom, decorating, and with India and Nepal, despite not knowing if the countries will open their borders in time. I've also ordered my bedding plants for the summer, slightly less than usual due to the soon to do pathway to the shed, making the planting area smaller and more manageable. I'm so hyper, I can't sit still! I barely need sleep. This is all very surreal. I finally received the private psychatrist's reports from my meetings with him end of December and mid January, where he saw me hyped like this and then at a low, and he thinks I might have a mood disorder possibly bipolar. My GP is attempting to get a second opinion from the Community Mental Health Team as she won't prescribe the mood stabiliser he is suggesting until I'm stable on it. I get really impatient with this to-ing and fro-ing.
I'm an impatient person so waiting for things to happen is not one of my favourite activities. I don't find it easy to distract myself either. I always fall back on keeping busy at work, but when I'm alone at home, I can't put my mind to anything purposeful. My GP is trying to get a second opinion about me being bipolar, I'm trying to the old fertility clinic to transfer my notes (some of which I haven't yet seen) to the new fertility clinic and I'm waiting for the new fertility clinic to put all of my appointments in place.
I had Sunday off and I slept until noon because I am so exhausted with waiting and with how crazy things are at work (in a good way). Then I spent the afternoon filling out all of the consents and doing the modules for the second fertility clinic. After that, I tackled the Indian visa paperwork. I don't mind telling you, I was done in after all of this. The older I get, the harder I find paperwork. The less concentration I have too! I want to do the exact opposite of walking slowly. I want to hurtle head long into a brand new year and accomplish all of the things that I need to around my home and I want to become a mum. BUT. I also want to feel less mentally and physically exhausted and more at peace with myself and my surroundings.
Walk Slowly It only takes a reminder to breathe, a moment to be still, and just like that, something in me settles, softens, makes space for imperfection. The harsh voice of judgment drops to a whisper and I remember again that life isn’t a relay race; that we will all cross the finish line; that waking up to life is what we were born for. As many times as I forget, catch myself charging forward without even knowing where I’m going, that many times I can make the choice to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk slowly into the mystery. -Danna Faulds It's been a mixed week of highs and lows. I spoke for almost two hours with a private psychiatrist to get his opinion on what I feel is rapid mood cycling. That whole session was exhausting, but I wanted to get it done before Christmas. Amidst the feeling euphoric one minute and depressed the next, I also feel very ignored by the fertility clinic I approached in the summer and that is stressing me out. I had hoped to be undergoing IUI treatment by now. It angers me that having mental illness means we are treated like sub standard human beings and it saddens me that the things that have given us mental illness are not our fault.
I was still feeling christmassy despite all of this and I had a wonderful six days off to unwind a little. I watched lots of great tele, spent time with family and friends and stuffed my face! It was good to be able to put the mental health hoops to one side and recharge my batteries. I think it's important, certainly for me, to have a routine leading up to Christmas; building in the things I love to do like writing cards and making sure I see all of my favourite people, as well as having my little traditions like donating to charity, mince pies and cream and a crimbo jigsaw on the go to name just a few. I love December to be a hive of activity leading up to the big day!
I feel multiple layers of rage and frustration at a time of year which I usually love. I'm working hard to stay calm and grounded, but it's bloody difficult. After two months of being ignored and not knowing what's going on between my psychiatrist and fertility consultant - and still not knowing - I had my discharge meeting with the Community mental health team on Friday and it was an absolute joke. No resolutions, no explanations, nothing. How is that supposed to help my mental health?!
I've approached another fertility clinic with the hope of progressing with them next year. That has given me some comfort. I've also been trying to cheer myself up with comedy, dinner with friends, decorating my tree, mulled wine and a visit to see the amazing light show in the village next door to me. It was really beautiful, comforting and magical. I love this kind of thing - colours and light displays and symmetry. |
AuthorBlogging is an amazing concept so here I am giving it a whirl. You'll get words. You'll get pics. Sometimes a vid or two. You'll get tongue in cheek, the odd humble opinion and an honest insight into my travels and writing life. Maybe even a few gems along the way. I'll be musing on home turf as I see more and more of the UK and sharing my experiences further afield on holidays and adventurous trips across the globe. Archives
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