Donor sperm stress

It was so great to get back on the mat with yoga in the tent after a month's break! Especially due to the unexpected stress of finding a sperm donor... I am in dire need of grounding.

I guess I hadn't taken on board a few important points with CARE, or they hadn't been explained in detail to me. Either way, I was very confused on the process. I had expected help and support in my decision making in choosing a donor, pretty much having my hand held the whole way. I had anticipated it being the most exciting part of my fertility and pregnancy journey.

Instead, it turned out to be the most stressful - and most lonely. There I was on the US sperm bank, reading about how to create a super baby, completely and utterly bewildered and losing the will to live because this was way too much detail - and I had a moment where I forgot what I was trying to accomplish, as daft as that sounds. I also had a bigger moment of despair where I almost got drunk with the intention of having a wild night on the town...

I did eventually choose my donor - a huge moment that I celebrated alone with the weight of the decision making taking its toll. The USA site freaked me out with the depth of genetic data I could access. I went on the European sperm bank which was less intimidating and more concise. I still know way more than I was expecting to (or wanting to) about my donor and his family and genetics, but the information is presented in a much more user friendly format.

Back on the mat!

After speaking to the nurse last week, CARE uploaded a lot of information to read through on my patient portal. I skipped through this when maybe I should have taken a little more time with it. I eventually did and that's when stuff started to fall into place. Pre pandemic, I would have sat down with the Donations team at CARE and talked through my preferences and characteristics. Then that info would have been sent to the Embryology team and they would have sourced my donor from their own sperm bank. At the moment, their bank is depleted and there is a six month waiting list to go down this route. Parts of this had been explained to me but never the whole story. Piecing it together finally was also a huge relief. I like to know I have all of the information before making such a big, life changing / life affirming decision. Maybe it's part of the as yet undiagnosed ASD, but I have to have all of the blocks of understanding in place, lined up neatly. For me, this whole process is huge in every respect - cost of treatment, financing of donor sperm, I'm going to be a single parent with fibromyalgia and mental health struggles, whilst still trying to work...

And yes, my therapy session this past week was very busy! My head was exploding and when this happens, I can't talk, so I made this with the stones instead: