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It's been a mixed week of highs and lows. I spoke for almost two hours with a private psychiatrist to get his opinion on what I feel is rapid mood cycling. That whole session was exhausting, but I wanted to get it done before Christmas. Amidst the feeling euphoric one minute and depressed the next, I also feel very ignored by the fertility clinic I approached in the summer and that is stressing me out. I had hoped to be undergoing IUI treatment by now. It angers me that having mental illness means we are treated like sub standard human beings and it saddens me that the things that have given us mental illness are not our fault.
I was still feeling christmassy despite all of this and I had a wonderful six days off to unwind a little. I watched lots of great tele, spent time with family and friends and stuffed my face! It was good to be able to put the mental health hoops to one side and recharge my batteries. I think it's important, certainly for me, to have a routine leading up to Christmas; building in the things I love to do like writing cards and making sure I see all of my favourite people, as well as having my little traditions like donating to charity, mince pies and cream and a crimbo jigsaw on the go to name just a few. I love December to be a hive of activity leading up to the big day!
In a bid to visit all of the palaces and residences of the Royal family and to learn more about them, my friend Claire and I took a trip to Hampton Court on Sunday. I wanted something a little bit special for this trip, so hired a private guide to take us around. He was excellent and full of interesting facts and information, pointing out things we wouldn't see on our own, or even with an audio guide.
And I finally got to do the maze, which has been a childhood dream of mine! I feel multiple layers of rage and frustration at a time of year which I usually love. I'm working hard to stay calm and grounded, but it's bloody difficult. After two months of being ignored and not knowing what's going on between my psychiatrist and fertility consultant - and still not knowing - I had my discharge meeting with the Community mental health team on Friday and it was an absolute joke. No resolutions, no explanations, nothing. How is that supposed to help my mental health?!
I've approached another fertility clinic with the hope of progressing with them next year. That has given me some comfort. I've also been trying to cheer myself up with comedy, dinner with friends, decorating my tree, mulled wine and a visit to see the amazing light show in the village next door to me. It was really beautiful, comforting and magical. I love this kind of thing - colours and light displays and symmetry. Work has died back to being agony aunts and uncles with covid questions, Omicron and the re-introduction of the red list, so I've taken the plunge and submitted my itinerary for India and Nepal in March next year to get costed up. I have the three weeks off and mum and I still really want to do this. Let's hope we can find a window of opportunity!
I'm working super hard to stay in my "adult" and not lose my way with dissociation whilst the fertility mental health hoops continue to spin around me. I'm seeing my therapist more regularly at the moment as part of my safety plan. We're having some really good sessions, pivotal in fact. I feel seen and heard and understood. It makes all the difference in the world, even though it's just one person seeing me and hearing me and understanding me. Having a safe space that I can fully trust in, well, there are no words for how comforting and reassuring and life affirming that is. I found this book in my mum’s overflowing book case. It seemed perfect for our holiday a month ago - not too taxing, would keep me interested and keep turning the pages.
I’m always interested when books are described as “page turners”. I read quite fast and when I get really into a book, I speed up even more - as long as I can follow the storyline with ease.. This novel lived up to the hype. Well thought out plot, gentle unravelling of details and enough suspects to wonder whodunnit but not so many that it was overwhelming. The only bit I was disappointed in was that the lead character Kat fell in love with the lead police officer Luke. I think with today’s standard of novels, that’s a little too obvious. I wanted more sparring between them. Maybe that’s just me being picky, but I feel a lot of British writers achieve a more interesting dynamic. The author here is American and the book is set in Louisiana. I don’t know much about this part of America, but the bits of dialect thrown in were good and reminded me of Blanche from The Golden Girls - a favourite sitcom of mine from the 80s. The story gave enough information about the main location Liberty and the surrounding area. I think that’s really important for setting the scene and as the plot develops. This was my 39th birthday treat to myself - a front row seat to see Ricky Gervais at the London Palladium, performing his 6th live stand up show SuperNature. I wanted to make up for spending my 38th stuck on a psych ward!
The show was incredible. Gervais takes his comedy to the wire and then races way beyond. I don't know how anyone can take him seriously. Everything he says is tongue-in-cheek and it's clear he's nothing like his comedy in real life. Just watch the genius that is Derek and After Life - both raw, human observation that gets you right in the heart. Makes you laugh and cry simultaneously. He's brilliant and as I've often commented on here, I don't know why I avoided him for so long. I can't get enough of him. And no, I don't agree with some of his beliefs, but it doesn't matter. There's space enough for everyone. I'm flying at work which is really awesome, but I am not liking being kept in the dark by my care co-ordinator whilst my psychiatrist and fertility consultant correspond about me. This doesn't help my mental health! I'm still full steam ahead on making plans to be a mum - looking at bigger cars and making my front lawn into a driveway by putting a green parkable mesh over the grass so it isn't turning into tarmac.
I had a quiet birthday, ordering in food and some beers, watching some of my favourite shows of the moment and setting up my new 55 inch TV from my godfather and Uncle. It was all I wanted really and I felt very content, despite everything that's going on behind the scenes and the frustration I'm feeling.
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AuthorBlogging is an amazing concept so here I am giving it a whirl. You'll get words. You'll get pics. Sometimes a vid or two. You'll get tongue in cheek, the odd humble opinion and an honest insight into my travels and writing life. Maybe even a few gems along the way. I'll be musing on home turf as I see more and more of the UK and sharing my experiences further afield on holidays and adventurous trips across the globe. Archives
December 2022
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