Recovery pillars, OCD and ASD

When I'm doing well professionally, I feel amazing. I'm smashing it this month in my job despite the fact we are in a pandemic. People need to have something to look forward to, I know I do, and people need holidays. That's two of my recovery pillars for maintaining good mental health - future plans and travel. A third pillar for me is to feel part of society and feel like I am contributing to something bigger than myself. That's what having paid employment does for me. Working from home is tough and I am somebody who doesn't mind being in my own company, but this is next level stuff. I have missed my colleagues and the banter and good humour we share everyday, so I am looking forward to going back to the office on 12th April.

I am still working on the big declutter of my home. Recently I have started to put things up into the loft I had boarded for storage back in the summer. It takes me time to do things, not just because of my physical limitations, but I have to think about each and every item and sometimes it can take me weeks to make a decision. Sometimes I don't like things moving too fast, but other times, I can't move fast enough. I often get caught in this circle and become paralysed by my own restrictions and rituals. This is why the recent suggestion I may be on the autistic spectrum makes a lot of sense to me. High functioning ASD is what I'm going to be tested for. I don't necessarily feel I need a diagnosis for this. It's enough that the professionals caring for me have raised it because now I know I'm not making it up and my behaviours are making more sense to me from childhood to teenage years to now.

I get angry in therapy that it has taken so long to understand things and people have let me down along the way. At the moment I am trying to get to younger me so I can comfort her. I get frustrated that she's there and I can't reach her and that I can't articulate what I need. The Stabilisation group therapy has finished now so I am experimenting with the ideas we discussed. I realised I can't self soothe but I love being read to. I've been listening to Kate Winslet read Enid Blyton's Enchanted Wood on Audible. As a child, I devoured everything Enid Blyton wrote. It is helping me to settle into a sleep routine and feel safe.