Technology tantrums and "It's not my fault"

Work has gone mental since the Prime Minister's covid briefing last Monday evening. It's great to be talking itineraries again with clients, rather than refunds. Although, there's still a fair amount of crystal balling and I think that will continue for ages yet. I'm hoping but seriously doubting I will get to Turkey next month. I think I will postpone the trip to October and move India and Nepal to March 2022. This is what it's like isn't it, constantly pushing trips and events on and never actually getting anywhere or being able to do anything!

I felt sick Friday evening when I permanently deleted half of my Venice photos. I thought I could load them into Photos on my new iMac and delete them from the iCloud, but they completely disappeared from Photos, as I realised with a sickening feeling afterwards that I hadn't imported them properly into the program. When stuff like this happens, whatever it may be in life, I go into panic mode whilst trying to stay extremely calm. I don't like being in this situation and I don't want to talk to anybody. My problem solving skills have got better over time as I've taught myself coping strategies and skills, but I become obsessed with trying to fix the problem and won't rest until it's sorted. And if I can't sort it, I'll think about it until I've exhausted my brain. What I tried to do this time is to rationalise with myself that it was going to be ok and it wasn't such a big deal and I still had some memories of the trip. Talking about it helped massively too. I went through the whole evening with my counselor in my next session. She talked to be about how we react to things in life a certain way because of things that have happened to us in the past. She always asks me what the feelings are and then I dig deep to remember where and when I've felt those feelings before. Sometimes I can't do the work by speaking so she has loads of different ways to help me. I do a lot of art therapy and stone work and she bought me some stress balls. I think it's brilliant. I am learning so much about myself.

Week 3 of Stabilisation therapy was about soothing and relaxation this week. I want to aim to find one grounding exercise and one soothing exercise to put in my self care toolbox. More to follow on this.

Learning about the science behind trauma in Week 1 definitely helped me to feel less that's it's all my fault. I told my care co-ordinator and counselor that this is a massive revelation for me and I'm happy another weight has been lifted and I can inch another step or two forward in my recovery and understanding of my mental health. It often feels to me that this is all too big for me to cope with, so little wins are really important to me and I feel they need to be acknowledged and celebrated.