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I've been out of hospital for a week and went back to work on Friday. Maybe it is all a little too soon, but I am keen to get on track again and determined to have a good holiday on this trip of a lifetime with mum.
I've fast tracked through the home treatment team and the community mental health team straight back to my GP. Time will tell if this was the right decision. I'm taking Aripiprazole now, having detoxed off of Quetiapine and Escitalopram in hospital. So far so good. I did lose my appetite and I couldn't sleep earlier on in the week, but both things seem to have settled down now. I'm desperately fighting my corner with the pregnancy stuff. This is stressing me out a lot. It's a rollercoaster ride mentally and emotionally. I know I should take a breath, but until I have answers as to whether I can start treatment, I can't rest. I know this latest hospital admission does not help my situation and I know I need a good, solid period of stability, but what hurts the most is the way the clinic closes ranks as soon as they know you have mental health problems. It makes me feel like a sub standard human being.
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 I feel as if I'm in one long battle at the moment, even concentrating on this jigsaw puzzle was difficult. It's been a week of still not feeling 100% physically, going round and round with the pregnancy stuff, fighting to become an informal patient after being promised it would happen a week ago Monday, fighting to get time off the ward unescorted and fighting for some home leave unescorted. Everything is SO SLOW and a real struggle in hospital and I am trying to speed up my discharge. I just get immensely frustrated and when you have to pin down staff to take you to the gym so you can let off steam, well, I've only got so much energy and it tends to manifest quickly into a meltdown or a kicking off session.
Last night I finally started my new medication Aripiprazole. It is such a relief! It's been a week of frustration, not knowing what's going on, not feeling heard and not finding anyone to talk to about any of this. Last Tuesday I had my ward round and there were so many people in that room, it was completely overwhelming. Apparently I don't have bi-polar, I have internal anxieties. This does not make any sense to me, but whatever. It was great to talk to one of the Independent MH advocates on the ward and lay out my thoughts. The Dr said he would speak to me on Wednesday and never did so I appealed my section that evening. On Thursday I lay in bed all day feeling really defeated and then I planned to escape. Speaking to a solicitor that evening made me feel more in control again. I finally spoke to the Dr on Friday and we made a plan of action - but I have no faith in them. I've agreed to drop my appeal and work towards being an informal patient. I had one hours escorted leave on Saturday and Sunday to make use of and see how I did, but it was difficult enough trying to get someone to take me to the gym, let alone try for the escorted leave. And on top of all that, I've also got a stomach bug. Honestly, Katherine Ryan's funny Lockdown podcast is the only thing getting me through at the moment and the fact I need to get out of here in order to travel with my mum at the end of the month.
Time to try and relax and do an exercise on the CALM app... I've settled onto the Picasso ward here at the Cygnet hospital in Woking. It's been a week. Breakfast at 9am, lunch at 12pm, dinner at 5pm and meds where and when needed after each of those meals - these are the fixed events on the ward. I've done an Amazon shop to get all the essentials delivered so I can start to feel more human. We've had sober karoake, pet therapy, psychology, basketball, stretching and mindfulness to keep us occupied, along with other activities I haven't felt like joining in for. I've been allowed to annotate my care plan which is something that's never happened before but I feel is so important in a patient being able to take back control of their treatment. I've spoken to so many Drs, I've lost count. I don't think it's right we have to go over and over our story. I get tired of it all. I'm still on a detox, still hyper, still angry, still dissociating. I'm trying to work through it. Oh, and it's stormy which always seems to happen when I'm in hospital. The O2 building in London nearly lost its roof!
On my last night at Frimley hospital last Tuesday before I got transferred, my 1-2-1 told me a story that I'll never forget- and this is the thing about hospital, you meet really interesting characters and you realise everyone is going through something - he had to assess a suicidal 75 year old man after he was found going to the tube station everyday to figure out how to kill himself, but my 1-2-1 chap had just lost his own wife of 30 years two months before. Where did he find the strength? I'm waiting for a bed on a psych ward. Yesterday I had my mental health act assessment. I had a lovely HCA as my daytime 1-2-1 and she came in with me to help me advocate for myself. I didn't get a chance to go to hospital voluntarily this time, they decided straight on a Section 2. That was disappointing, especially as I took my Dr's advice earlier on in the morning and didn't throw anything at them! My chats with the psych liaison team have been up and down as usual.
Being on a 5.2 section with the nurses all weekend is definitely better than being on a 136 section with the police, like I had last time. No offence to the police, but a hospital environment feels a lot less scary when your mental health has gone pearshaped. I'm so glad I can wash myself and change my underwear and change into a gown, but trying to eat a roast dinner with two plastic spoons is interesting. My night 1-2-1 lady on Sunday evening was a psych prison guard at Broadmoor for 21 years! I promised her I would try to be on my best behaviour, but I still ended up dissociating and trying to walk out of hospital she told me in the morning. She did say at least I wasn't running as she would have never been able to keep up! I like it when I can laugh about my mental health with people who are there to help and support me. It makes it feel a lot less frightening. I don't want to go back into hospital but I do want to know if I have bi-polar. I hope we can get to the bottom of this. The highs are great but they are definitely not sustainable. I've been flying so so high with work after having my biggest ever sales month. I'm not even needing to take my medication and I feel like I don't have fibromyalgia anymore! I've got all of my appointments set up with the new fertility clinic, so it's full steam ahead again and preparations continue on the spare bedroom, decorating, and with India and Nepal, despite not knowing if the countries will open their borders in time. I've also ordered my bedding plants for the summer, slightly less than usual due to the soon to do pathway to the shed, making the planting area smaller and more manageable. I'm so hyper, I can't sit still! I barely need sleep. This is all very surreal. I finally received the private psychatrist's reports from my meetings with him end of December and mid January, where he saw me hyped like this and then at a low, and he thinks I might have a mood disorder possibly bipolar. My GP is attempting to get a second opinion from the Community Mental Health Team as she won't prescribe the mood stabiliser he is suggesting until I'm stable on it. I get really impatient with this to-ing and fro-ing.
 I've been enjoying my audiobooks on my commute to and from the office and this has been on my hitlist for a while. As you know, I am a massive fan of Ab Fab the TV show, written by Jennifer Saunders and, after watching her review of funny women with Dawn French at Christmas and listening to them both "tittering about" on their podcast of the same name, it prompted me to delve into Saunders early life and find out how she made it big. I love the fact that she has this wonderful relationship with Dawn French, I love the fact she worked with Joanna Lumley and has some great stories about her and I love the fact she helped Miranda on her way. That integration with some of my most favourite comedians is very heartwarming. It's interesting how Saunders breaks rules with comedy during the 90s and how the BBC production was just right for that rebellion and expressiveness at that time. The right people were in the right places to make the right choices. Her reflections on how the BBC has changed are intriguing and there's a real sense of loss when she describes it. It's wonderful that she narrates her own story. It makes such a difference to the storytelling. It's also wonderful to hear just how many times she's messed up even when famous, which makes her all the more endearing as a British national treasure in my humble opinion.
 Billy's audio book was a joy to listen to and I love the fact he narrated it himself. From start to finish it was entertaining and just like listening to him perform on stage. So many wonderful stories and a real lovely way of telling those stories. Rebellious, folky, funny, moving and humbling. He has no airs and graces, just real life, real grit and humour. His big slipper routine in An Audience with.. is still my favourite sketch - in fact, the whole show was a triumph - and I am so glad I was able to see him perform live in London in January 2010. I don't think I will enjoy an autobiography more!
I'm an impatient person so waiting for things to happen is not one of my favourite activities. I don't find it easy to distract myself either. I always fall back on keeping busy at work, but when I'm alone at home, I can't put my mind to anything purposeful. My GP is trying to get a second opinion about me being bipolar, I'm trying to the old fertility clinic to transfer my notes (some of which I haven't yet seen) to the new fertility clinic and I'm waiting for the new fertility clinic to put all of my appointments in place.
I had Sunday off and I slept until noon because I am so exhausted with waiting and with how crazy things are at work (in a good way). Then I spent the afternoon filling out all of the consents and doing the modules for the second fertility clinic. After that, I tackled the Indian visa paperwork. I don't mind telling you, I was done in after all of this. The older I get, the harder I find paperwork. The less concentration I have too! I want to do the exact opposite of walking slowly. I want to hurtle head long into a brand new year and accomplish all of the things that I need to around my home and I want to become a mum. BUT. I also want to feel less mentally and physically exhausted and more at peace with myself and my surroundings.
Walk Slowly It only takes a reminder to breathe, a moment to be still, and just like that, something in me settles, softens, makes space for imperfection. The harsh voice of judgment drops to a whisper and I remember again that life isn’t a relay race; that we will all cross the finish line; that waking up to life is what we were born for. As many times as I forget, catch myself charging forward without even knowing where I’m going, that many times I can make the choice to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk slowly into the mystery. -Danna Faulds |
AuthorBlogging is an amazing concept so here I am giving it a whirl. You'll get words. You'll get pics. Sometimes a vid or two. You'll get tongue in cheek, the odd humble opinion and an honest insight into my travels and writing life. Maybe even a few gems along the way. I'll be musing on home turf as I see more and more of the UK and sharing my experiences further afield on holidays and adventurous trips across the globe. Archives
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